Time to get fired up! I'm ready to go... so come on fuckers! I am in a mood...
Shit Crap Fuck. I think that things are over with Larry. Not my idea, by the way. His
ex-girlfriend called and “wanted to talk”… said she was coming right over. He called me and told me. I said “Ok, so what does that mean?” He replied that he did not know.
Ouch. I will say this. Larry has been very kind, very good to me. He has been honest and upfront. I knew about the ex-girlfriend and that he was really hurt when they split.
I know other things too…
I know that:
That you cannot force anyone to want to be with you, no matter how much you want them. To try and fight that only causes you to feel more pain that you need to feel.
I know that:
That you cannot help how your heart feels. If Larry still loves her, he does. I cannot find it in my heart to be angry over that. I can’t blame him for his feelings.
I know that:
Drama doesn’t help anything.
That was pretty much the just of the conversation. He said he had to talk to her. He asked me not to come over unless he called me. He needed to decide where this was going to go. I have not heard any more from him. My assumption is that this is not good. That I’m a gonner where Larry is concerned.
My hope of course was the opposite! I’ve been happy as a clam for the first time in a very, very long time. I enjoyed everything about our relationship except for the distance between us. I have no complaints at all about him… except that he may be gone now from my life. That of course hurts. I will miss him, his family and darn it all… Buddy.
Well, I am broke so a trip to the bar is pretty much out of the question… or I’d be down there bending my elbow and being around people to keep my mind occupied and fuzzy. I am dedicated to the idea that when upset a good dose of risky behavior helps! Unfortunately the riskiest thing I’ll be doing is cleaning my bathroom and bedroom . It’s not as intoxicating as I’d like. Ha!
Tonight is THE POGUES! Therein lies my salvation. I can toss back a few dark brews, hop, dance, sing and generally go nuts… the things that heal me temporarily. Monday morning I will rue that I was so insane and be tired all day at work. But at least I will have something else to talk about other than how I’ve lost Larry.
I was up at the crack of dawn yesterday. I am a hopper and I do not sleep for long periods of time before I’m back on my feet. I hit the gym and got moving. I know of nothing that works better at keeping me from becoming depressed than being physically exhausted. After that I had coffee with a male friend that I have not talked to in awhile. I’m doing that again this morning after a good hour of swift movement.
I have not eaten much since I last heard from Larry. I can’t continue to do that because of my diabetes. I ate a can of “turtles” (ravioli) right before bed. Now I weigh 5 pounds less, but half of that is water. It will come back if I am not super careful. But weight loss is a good thing for me. As long as I continue, I feel good about some aspect of my life. I don’t’ want to fix what isn’t broken. Not having an appetite will eventually go away again. I better take advantage of it while I can.
A female friend would be concerned at how I am feeling and pinning blame here or there. Picking the situation apart. I don't need that crap.
Men… god love them (like I do)… DON’T. They give me conversation. They don’t poke at the wound. Bless J for that yesterday… and for this morning too in advance. And bless any of you who are sympathetic without being finger pointers. There were no bad guys here. Only my sad heart.
Okay… it’s not The Pogues singing it, but… Kiss My Irish Ass! If you liked that one here is one more that makes me feel fired up as well. Do read the words. I think I've had it on here before... but humor me.
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Five hundred years like Gelignite
Have blown us all to hell
What savior rests while on his cross we die
Forgotten freedom burns
Has the Shepard led his lambs astray
to the bigot and the gun
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
I watch and stare as Roisin`s eyes
Turn a darker shade of red
And the bullet with this sniper lie
In their bloody gutless cell
Must we starve on crumbs from long ago
Through bars these men made steel
Is it a great or little thing we fought
Knelt the conscience blessed to kill
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
'Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
Ah, but maybe it`s the way you were taught
Or maybe it`s the way we fought
But a smile never grins without tears to begin
For each kiss is a cry we all lost
Though nothing is left to gain
But for the banshee that stole the grave
Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
I sit in and dwell on faces past
Like memories seem to fade
No colour left but black and white
And soon will all turn grey
But may these shadows rise to walk again
With lessons truly learnt
When the blossom flowers in each our hearts
Shall beat a new found flame
Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies
TOMORROW THE POGUES CONCERT PHOTOS... whahoo!
