JUST THE FACTS JACK

Lovely little vine... probably a strangler of some sort, but I like it.

Over two years ago I was unhappy.

I was watching " A Knight's Tale" on the tube for the 11th time and fell for the line

"You can change your stars"

I don't know if it was Chaucer or some script writer

who said it.

But it launched me into thought...

could I actually do that?

Then I looked at my physical self and thought one word.

"Hopeless."

But the damned quote haunted me.

A month or so passed and there it was again...

A Knight's Tale and as usual it sucked me in and I watched it for the 12th time.

Christmas arrived and with it... X bought me an MP3 player.  Max loaded it with a punk tour.

He quoted Heather Blue:

"Everyone likes punk... 

they just don't know that they do."

Turns out she was right.

I fell in love with it.

Round 13... Could I change my stars?

Oh shut the fuck up!

I thought firmly in my head... 

locked myself in the bathroom,

which was my only sanctuary at that time,

poured myself a margarita and began to literally 

dance my ass off.

Literally... the more I did this and 

MOVED

the less of me there was.

No movie this time, just the idea of it crept into my cells... I could change my stars.

But first, I had to take responsibility and commit.

I was lonely.

I had kids up the wazoo... but could not have felt more unwanted or alone.

When I looked in the mirror, I did what we tend to do

and gauged my worth on what I used to look like when I was young.

Why do we do that?  Beats the heck out of me.

But I did it and the very loud answer in my head

was that no man in his right mind would want me.

Not like THAT.

So I began to do my thing with The Dropkick Murphys urging me onward and started to walk.

But that did not cure my feeling so alone.

I did another dumb thing we do when we miss who we were... I began to look for a friend I'd had in the days of long ago... Patrick...

which led me to Throwaway blog and dmarks... and yes, eventually to Patrick himself.

Very cool beans.

However, what I really found was the blog world and a blog friend who helped me to understand things.

I also found that blog world offers a unique form of support.  Not family.  Not friends in the normal sense of the word.  But people who are free to respond

and interject ideas and honesty.

I was no longer lonely.

But I was still alone.

Now the thought in my head was...

Okay... I'm changing my fucking stars...

I'm changing me...so when does my actual life get to change? 
When do I stop being alone?

You know the rest of this story...

frog pond... blah, blah,blah.

Randy.

I know how fortunate I am because I know how unfortunate I was.

My stars have changed so utterly that I cannot begin to tell you the truth of how deep into

poverty I was... poverty of spirit, poverty of self worth, financial poverty, poverty of joy.

Deeper than a pit...

my life was a black hole.

Possibly the saddest truth is that I know this was not a situation that others avoid.

We all have our woes in life.

Feeling "hopeless" is not uncommon.

Its a lie we sometimes tell ourselves because to regain ground we have lost is hard and we don't feel up to the task.

I say "sometimes" because there are things we cannot change...

terminal illness, handicaps, age, loss of loved ones.

Fill in your blank on that.

But there are things that can be changed.  Those things require honesty and effort.

But we have powerful tools to help.

Faith.

In God.  In yourself.

Support.

If you reach for it and accept it...

family, friends, clergy, teachers and even faceless blog world.

Today I am 114 pounds less than I was and still losing.

Its a fact, Jack and I'm darned proud of it.

I did it.  I changed my stars...

not alone.

My sincere thanks to those of you who knew and helped and to those of you who did not know but were there anyway.
My thanks to Magic Man...
and to The Dropkick Murphys...

and always, ALWAYS... to God.

I'm still 55... can't change that.

But I have not been happier in my life than I am today.

Now all I have to do is keep it that way.

Sheesh... there's always a catch isn't there?

But you know what the Stones say...