Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Lovely little vine... probably a strangler of some sort, but I like it.

Over two years ago I was unhappy.
I was watching " A Knight's Tale" on the tube for the 11th time and fell for the line
"You can change your stars"
I don't know if it was Chaucer or some script writer
who said it.
But it launched me into thought...
could I actually do that?
Then I looked at my physical self and thought one word.

But the damned quote haunted me.
A month or so passed and there it was again...
A Knight's Tale and as usual it sucked me in and I watched it for the 12th time.

Christmas arrived and with it... X bought me an MP3 player.  Max loaded it with a punk tour.
He quoted Heather Blue:
"Everyone likes punk... 
they just don't know that they do."
Turns out she was right.
I fell in love with it.

Round 13... Could I change my stars?
Oh shut the fuck up!
I thought firmly in my head... 
locked myself in the bathroom,
which was my only sanctuary at that time,
poured myself a margarita and began to literally 
dance my ass off.
Literally... the more I did this and 
the less of me there was.

No movie this time, just the idea of it crept into my cells... I could change my stars.
But first, I had to take responsibility and commit.

I was lonely.
I had kids up the wazoo... but could not have felt more unwanted or alone.
When I looked in the mirror, I did what we tend to do
and gauged my worth on what I used to look like when I was young.
Why do we do that?  Beats the heck out of me.
But I did it and the very loud answer in my head
was that no man in his right mind would want me.
Not like THAT.

So I began to do my thing with The Dropkick Murphys urging me onward and started to walk.
But that did not cure my feeling so alone.
I did another dumb thing we do when we miss who we were... I began to look for a friend I'd had in the days of long ago... Patrick...
which led me to Throwaway blog and dmarks... and yes, eventually to Patrick himself.
Very cool beans.

However, what I really found was the blog world and a blog friend who helped me to understand things.
I also found that blog world offers a unique form of support.  Not family.  Not friends in the normal sense of the word.  But people who are free to respond
and interject ideas and honesty.

I was no longer lonely.
But I was still alone.
Now the thought in my head was...
Okay... I'm changing my fucking stars...
I'm changing me...so when does my actual life get to change? 
When do I stop being alone?

You know the rest of this story...
frog pond... blah, blah,blah.

I know how fortunate I am because I know how unfortunate I was.
My stars have changed so utterly that I cannot begin to tell you the truth of how deep into
poverty I was... poverty of spirit, poverty of self worth, financial poverty, poverty of joy.
Deeper than a pit...
my life was a black hole.

Possibly the saddest truth is that I know this was not a situation that others avoid.
We all have our woes in life.
Feeling "hopeless" is not uncommon.
Its a lie we sometimes tell ourselves because to regain ground we have lost is hard and we don't feel up to the task.
I say "sometimes" because there are things we cannot change...
terminal illness, handicaps, age, loss of loved ones.
Fill in your blank on that.

But there are things that can be changed.  Those things require honesty and effort.
But we have powerful tools to help.
In God.  In yourself.
If you reach for it and accept it...
family, friends, clergy, teachers and even faceless blog world.

Today I am 114 pounds less than I was and still losing.
Its a fact, Jack and I'm darned proud of it.

I did it.  I changed my stars...
not alone.

My sincere thanks to those of you who knew and helped and to those of you who did not know but were there anyway.
My thanks to Magic Man...
and to The Dropkick Murphys...
and always, ALWAYS... to God.

I'm still 55... can't change that.
But I have not been happier in my life than I am today.
Now all I have to do is keep it that way.

Sheesh... there's always a catch isn't there?

But you know what the Stones say...


  1. 114 pounds!! That's really impressive. Dancing is such a joyful exercise. And I think any movement not only improves your body but brings you a sense of power. Walking does that for me. The more I walk, the more confident I feel across the board. Yes, change is difficult and time-consuming - but it sounds like you have found the rewards make it all worth it. What a hope-filled post.

  2. Wow - congratulations. I knew you'd lost a lot of weight, but 114 lbs... wow. Now that's a wagon I really oughta get back on. Just as soon as I finish these short-ribs, of course.

    Hell, I can look at a donut and gain a pound. I'm probably gaining weight just thinking about one...

    Feeling "hopeless" is not uncommon. Its a lie we sometimes tell ourselves because to regain ground we have lost is hard and we don't feel up to the task.

    Couldn't have put it better myself. Congratulations again. You should be proud. :-)

  3. You rock! I love how much you've done for yourself. you basically saved yourself. You're an inspiration. You don't get a do-over in life, but you do get a right now and there's a lot you can do to change right now for the better.

    I'm so proud of you.

  4. secret agent woman-- I like dancing. I'm not a good dancer... I sort of go nuts. Used to embarrass my kids to see me. Oh well.

    I love walking too. I can go any pace I want and enjoy a nice fast clip for exercise but a mozy is great for enjoying what's around you.

    Thank you. I worked hard for it. I've still got a ways to go but not near so much!

  5. Cricket-- Aw thanks! I have that thinking about food makes me fat deal too. When I was dating the guys who took me out always went to nice places with HUGE meals. One of the things I liked most about Randy at first was that he does not eat much and was never offended that I don't any more either. He is extremely supportive in a very positive way.

  6. Churlita-- Thanks, you have been so helpful here and at your blog. I like what you said, its so true...the past is gone but we have tomorrow and today to make the best life we can. I just wish I'd done this and the divorce 10 earlier. But if wishes were fishes, I could fill the ocean.
    And I am happy. :-)

  7. How fucking eloquent. I just had to word it that way for some reason. It's good to get the overview, since I came to this movie so late. Great for you and keep on being happy!

  8. What a beautiful post, Ananda. Perfectly felt and stated for us here in the bloggosphere. You deserve every happiness, as you've worked for it! I mean, we all deserve to be happy, but you didn't just wait for joy to fall into your lap. You are definitely a hero of mine.

  9. NoRegrets-- Ha! I liked that but then I am fond of that word. I am going to try my best.

  10. laura b.-- Thanks! I don't know how heroic it was. More like desperation. ;-)

  11. I shall attempt to channel the always-wonderful Mr. Fred Rogers...

    I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
    I hope that you're as proud as
    I am proud of you.
    I'm proud of you.
    I hope that you are proud

    And that you're
    Learning how important you are,
    How important each person you see can be.
    Discovering each one's specialty
    Is the most important learning.

    I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
    I hope that you're as proud as
    I am proud of you.
    I'm proud of you.
    I hope that you are proud of you, too!

    Congratulations! And, also, thank you. I was feeling sort of down about myself this morning (bad softball game last night) and this helped me to see that I'm not just my most recent performance. Silly to think that way, but I was, and I needed to hear about long-term success. Thanks!

  12. Suldog-- Wow. I adore Fred Rogers! In fact, I watched him long after my kids had out-grown him. Thank you. I am honestly humbled by the positive response to this post. Everyone has proved what I said about support here and at your blogs. I am profoundly touched to tears.

    Bad ball game? OUCH! I know how that feels for sure... glad I could lift your spirits. But you have to know that you are one of my heroes, Jim! Most of us have quit playing ball by our age. I love that you are still hitting it hard. I eat up every word you write about it.

    You know how baseball and softball are... its the heart you put into it, not the win or lose. You obviously love the game and you keep going. I admire that greatly. And you also know that next game could be the one that validates you. Keep playing and writing about it!

  13. Change my stars... I like that phrase.

    I've been losing weight, but not as much as I should or as quickly. (I need to lose more than 3 pounds in a 4 month span! But at least I'm losing weight.) I need to get more active!

    Thanks for the inspiration!

  14. branwynne77-- Yay for you!!!

    I have to tell you, if all you lost was 4 pounds a month, you are doing terrific! One thing my doc harped on was "Don't lose weight too fast!"
    Even the physical therapy God warned me about that. So don't be hard on yourself and do not give up. It is sooooo worth it.

    Good for you. You've got a great start and you are doing it in a healthy way. Its only time and when you think about it... maybe it takes 2 years or more, like me, but what is 2 years compared to your life span? Not much.

    I am so happy for you!

  15. OMG you lost 114 pounds! That is awesome (and I don't use that word lightly, I'll have you know)
    Good for you. You deserve kudos for that.

    I had no idea.

  16. Cube-- Thanks. Being fat was a very sore point for me.

    I left little hints here and there... and bristled hard time over BBC's comments on it.
    Almost as much as BBC's comments on Randy... the one person who has seen every inch of my flaws and still cares for me. Fat comments bugged my ego when I was trying so hard to correct it, but comments about those I care for are unacceptable. I just could not deal with that.

  17. I gave you brownie points as part-saint for how politely you treated the mean things BBC commented. His curmudgeon act was humorous at first, but it turned bitter and nasty.

  18. Cube-- Well in truth I felt bad about it later, but thank you. I suspect and I could be wrong... that he must have been really hurt by choosing the wrong kind of women. Despite what he says, I think he is lonely and it makes him feel loss when he sees others as happy together. But that is not my problem.

    I also talked a lot about how Randy spoils me and that is a bug-a-boo for him... women who expect things and take you for what you give them, then leave.

    What he missed was that I expect nothing, but am grateful that I get so very much from my fella.
    I have told Randy that I could live under a bridge and be happy and feel safe with him. That's a fact. The rest is just icing. I am not foolish enough to take anything for granted and my ethics would not allow me to do him harm.

  19. picture me standing and applauding. if i could do that whistle through the fingers thing i'd add that too. well done, ananda. you should be very proud of yourself.

  20. lime-- Thank you! Picture me taking a bow.

  21. ananda - you summed it up very well!

    i, too, am very proud of you and pleased as punch to call you a near and dear friend!!!!!

    you rock!