Monday, February 16, 2009

Life in Flux

My life is neck deep in flux.

We all have our baggage don't we? I Hope your day is happy. Mine is believe it or not. If I have learned nothing else in my life journey...Our days are as good as we make them. Make your day fulfilling and satisfying.

I decided to edit this one. Much is removed. But i will give you it in a nutshell when I return.

(I get up at 5:00 a.m. to walk every morning.)

I have lots of flux in my life right now. Baby bird is flying the nest in a year and a half. Same baby bird's high school is being closed... a very emotional issue for all and he will be bused 25 miles a day to the next town over... on a freeway that is often not safe in the winter time.

My job is up in the air because of budget cuts and I may have to work in the next town over and God forbid, maybe even lose my job.

Husband and I have been separated for basically ten years... 5 he spent in prison and the other 5 in the "box on rocks" at the other end of town. That's an RV. We cannot live together. He cannot tolerate living in close proximity to others. Yet he is here at my home from the time I get off work until it's time for everyone to go to bed. His purpose is to be here for the two boys who are still living with me and to make up for the time they were forced apart, if such a thing is ever possible. We are still friends and care about each other, but the marriage is ka-put and I have decided on divorce with the intention of finding someone else. I do not believe there is ever an excuse to cheat on someone and have been very up front on the latter issue. He understands and agrees.

On top of all of that I just found out that I do not have cancer... but had some scary moments.

I have had very hard times. Gone from middle class to poverty overnight. Had to raise four kids alone for a time. Yet I am not alone in the trauma department. So many people have had to deal with crap like this in their lives. And I don't bring it up for sympathy. When the old man first went to "camp" I was in shock for about a year and a half. Things like this did not happen to me! I am a good person. Blah, blah, blah. Yes they do. They happen sometimes to the nicest people in the world, and sometimes to AH that deserve it. I felt like Lot when his neighbors wanted to know what evil he'd done to bring God's wrath down upon him. I wasted a lot of time looking for evil I'd never caused.

I stopped that. You know what happens. Life is Chaos, constantly in change. We fool ourselves into seeing only the big changes. We waste time railing against the unchangeable, like aging. Sorry, we all get old, it's true. I seem to go through cycles of flux. This is what I have learned...

Flux is neither good or bad, it is simply life. Like a crossroad. It is an option. You have to make a choice... forward, backward, left or right. Indecision is a choice to not participate in choosing.
In fact, there is an Offspring song about this that goes something like... life can be a nightmare or a playground if we choose. I agree. It's what you do with flux that matters. You can sit and moan about how terrible it can be and create a self-fulfilling and self-defeating prophecy for yourself. Or you can set your brain to figuring out how the flux can be directed into a positive outcome.

My view right now is that life is an adventure. I am happy for baby bird that he can fly away into his own life soon. I recall how wonderful and exciting that felt when I flew from my family. This is reason to celebrate. It makes the time he has left at home sweeter.

My job may end here. If so, then a change in location is okay with me. I know I have a place to go. I have a few places. A friend in California, which I miss so much sometimes I could cry... has an empty guest room with my name on it. Another who lives closer to the Oregon coast, which I also adore, has told me that I always have a home there. I am not keen on living with a friend or family member. I like my independence. But they are good places to use as a temporary launch pad. The idea of meeting someone new and dating again is scary and exhilarating. Flux is offering adventure when I may have stagnated otherwise. Sometimes we need shaking up.

Here's a hoot, Citizen! My mobile home park manager just knocked on the door and told me that our landlord has not paid the water bill and the city is turning us off. You were right... I should not have picked my nose at how things cannot get worse. Yes they can. But I can laugh at it. The irony is too perfect. I have lots of bottled water. She will pay it soon. We have been down this path before. Ah... the adventure continues!


  1. What a difficult situation. I think your attitude about making the days good in spite of eeverythign is a good one, and a good model for your kids.

    By the way, "My life could not be deeper into flux than it is currently." is one of those things you probably ought not ever say for fear of tempting fate! ;)

  2. Ah... fate. I am very familiar with the "never say never" events in life. You are right I'm sure. Maybe I should back track and take it out. I am a real chicken.