My marriage had fallen to pieces. I had depression and anxiety issues. My diabetes was out of whack. My left knee refused to work right. I was a mess. I did not have a good self-image. Life sucked.
Today I looked at my life again a year later and I can see there is still work to be done. But I can also see the positive changes that have occurred.
StbX and I have made an agreement to split without a legal struggle. I now have at least three days a week that are StbX free. More if the boys are not here. He has agreed to come only when the boys are present.
I need to learn how to live by myself again. It has been a very long time since I was last on my own. Squeaky will go off to college in a year and Max is moving out this week. Life without Max? Max is half of my entertainment in life. How odd it will be.
I have enjoyed my "free" days. But I don't really know what to do with them yet. I get bored and restless. I wander around inside my small house as if it was big. But it is better! My stress level is lower now. (His is too.) I grew up in a big family and I had a big family. Silence is not something I have heard often in my life. It feels weird.
Diabetes was a problem. But I found a trainer who was willing to work with me. Just getting my blood sugar levels under control have reduced my depression and my weight.
She encouraged me to exercise. I know that it sounds stupid, but I was afraid to exercise. I have issues with walking outside alone. I have panic attacks sometimes when I am in open spaces. Dumb, but true.
I asked my boss if I could walk inside the building. He agreed and I happily began my walking obsession. You see if I am inside, there are no bees. There are no people. No pot holes to twist my ankle in. I can walk no matter what the weather does. More than anything, it's the security of feeling safe. It has worked out beautifully.
Sadly, my biggest support group have all been laid off. These three people were so great. Especially our PE teacher who showed me exercises and taught me how to use equipment safely. More than anything, they watched, commented on the changes they saw and encouraged me. I'm going to miss that this year. But I can manage.
As often happens, when one thing gets good, another blows out. My knee went to physical therapy and is sooooo much better. Not only can I walk down stairs like normal people again, I can trot down the stairs like I did as a kid! I can go up almost as fast. Very cool beans.
But then my feet blew out. Crap! They are getting better now. I haven't had to have shots since a month ago. No tape. My inserts will be ordered this week. Great.
I look better. I feel better. I feel like I have control over things in my life. I took the time to pat myself on the back over those today. But I am not perfect by any means. My self-image is much better, but there is more work to do here.
Crazy4coens pointed out that there are reasons for why I am the way I am. I know what they are. But I still need to work through them. Scary stuffs