Sunday, June 21, 2009

PROGRESS MADE

A year ago at the end of June, I resolved to correct things that were wrong in my life.
My marriage had fallen to pieces. I had depression and anxiety issues. My diabetes was out of whack. My left knee refused to work right. I was a mess. I did not have a good self-image. Life sucked.


Today I looked at my life again a year later and I can see there is still work to be done. But I can also see the positive changes that have occurred.



StbX and I have made an agreement to split without a legal struggle. I now have at least three days a week that are StbX free. More if the boys are not here. He has agreed to come only when the boys are present.



I need to learn how to live by myself again. It has been a very long time since I was last on my own. Squeaky will go off to college in a year and Max is moving out this week. Life without Max? Max is half of my entertainment in life. How odd it will be.



I have enjoyed my "free" days. But I don't really know what to do with them yet.
I get bored and restless. I wander around inside my small house as if it was big. But it is better! My stress level is lower now. (His is too.) I grew up in a big family and I had a big family. Silence is not something I have heard often in my life. It feels weird.




Diabetes was a problem. But I found a trainer who was willing to work with me. Just getting my blood sugar levels under control have reduced my depression and my weight.



She encouraged me to exercise. I know that it sounds stupid, but I was afraid to exercise. I have issues with walking outside alone. I have panic attacks sometimes when I am in open spaces. Dumb, but true.



I asked my boss if I could walk inside the building. He agreed and I happily began my walking obsession. You see if I am inside, there are no bees. There are no people. No pot holes to twist my ankle in. I can walk no matter what the weather does. More than anything, it's the security of feeling safe. It has worked out beautifully.



Sadly, my biggest support group have all been laid off. These three people were so great. Especially our PE teacher who showed me exercises and taught me how to use equipment safely. More than anything, they watched, commented on the changes they saw and encouraged me. I'm going to miss that this year. But I can manage.





As often happens, when one thing gets good, another blows out. My knee went to physical therapy and is sooooo much better. Not only can I walk down stairs like normal people again, I can trot down the stairs like I did as a kid! I can go up almost as fast. Very cool beans.


But then my feet blew out. Crap! They are getting better now. I haven't had to have shots since a month ago. No tape. My inserts will be ordered this week. Great.




I look better. I feel better. I feel like I have control over things in my life. I took the time to pat myself on the back over those today. But I am not perfect by any means. My self-image is much better, but there is more work to do here.



Crazy4coens pointed out that there are reasons for why I am the way I am. I know what they are. But I still need to work through them. Scary
stuffs


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23 comments:

  1. One year can change so much, can't it?

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  2. Braja-- Yes it can. I am feeling much better and much encouraged. Thank you, in part to you!
    Big smile!

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  3. I wouldn't expect you to know what to do with your days off. It's new and there is some grieving to be done still, I'd imagine. I'm glad it feels like you are headed in the right direction, though.

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  4. Stay focused on the good things in life. Be optimistic, things will get better. It sounds like you have made much progress over the past year. It seems like you're looking at blogging as a means of therapy, keep it up.

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  5. citizen-- Hello! Its all kinds of weird. I don't really know how to do this. It's a learn as I go thing I guess. Thanks for your input. Its appreciated.

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  6. aliencg-- Good advice. I guess it is sort of therapy isn't it? I'm glad you don't mind my mutterings. :)

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  7. "My stress level is lower now"

    That's good to hear... and that can help improve other things too.

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  8. I'm glad to hear that you feel as though you're heading in the right direction. That's a very important step. None of us is perfect, but it's good to remember that we're all striving towards a better place in our lives.

    P.S. Your blog buddies can help you with your load. I'd like to think you'd help me with mine.

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  9. dmarks-- Yes. I am so much happier in general!

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  10. Cube-- Thank you so much! I certainly would do anything I could to help you. The support is greatly appreciated. I was not sure how this would be accepted or if people would think that it was too much personal information.

    Let me quote billy here." i love you sons a bitches!" (hope you don't mind billy! its a great quote.)

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  11. Not a problem. It's a two-way street. We prop you up one day and you prop us up the next. That's what friends do.

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  12. Cube-- Then I am blessed. Thanks again. :)

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  13. Sounds like a set of huge changes. Good for you for sticking through them and keep plugging on. You'll find your new life, I'm sure.

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  14. Pamela-- Thank you. I'm glad you've started coming to oodles of funch. I appreciated the kind words. New life... it's a process.

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  15. Miss Ananda - Your friends are so supportive and dear.

    You are an inspiration to me. It is so hard to get past the starting point. And you have done it - for a year!

    Way to go girl! Keep on keeping on!

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  16. crazy4coens-- I have to take the attitude that this is how I live now. No start. No stop. (No offense either. sheesh)

    Thank you... as always, you remain my greatest fan!

    me

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  17. well done. you saw the changes that needed to be made and took steps in that direction. you give me hope. thanks.

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  18. As much of a loner as I am, I too have sometimes found it hard as my kids have grown up and needed me less...or differently, let's say. I really relate to a lot of what you're saying :-) You've come a long way, baby! hee hee!

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  19. I think you are incredible. Look at how much you've accomplished in a year. Most people can't even look at themselves closely enough to even know what to fix.

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  20. lime-- Thanks but to be honest, I knew I needed to do this for a good amount of time before I got my nerve up.

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  21. laura b-- I think we have much in common indeed! I used to smoke Virginia Slims... but I quit that about five years ago now... how funny is that!

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  22. Churlita-- Believe it or not, you have been part of my inspiration. I see you doing it and being a happy person and I think... yep, it really is going to be okay. I can do this. So, thank you!

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  23. All-- Thank you so much for your encouragement and positive comments. You really are wonderful.

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