Friday, July 24, 2009


Once long, long ago… when Miss Bliss was still a tiny soul waiting for her turn on earth, she joined the long line of ripe souls waiting to receive the gifts that Himself bestowed upon them as they passed from ester into solid form. She whiled away the time amusing her active mind with the colors that swirled around her. (This was a delightful pastime she would later revisit on earth, finding it familiar and entertaining to no end.)

At last the moment came where she lowered her eyes to avoid the Face of God, bowing her head in preparation to accept her gift. Before her, The Great One rummaged in his vast denim duffle bag (that had inspired no less than the U.S. Navy to use it’s design as a staple of naval luggage). Himself muttered, pulled out a pair of breasts, shook his head and tossed them back to the bottom of the bag, muttering about a promise he’d made to Valerie Perrine not to give that model out anymore. Next he examined a lovely ass, peered down at the nervous little soul, shook his head again and threw it back as well. He wanted to save that one for Brittany Daniel.

Stretching his infinite arm as deep as the duffle bag would allow, he groped and felt until his fingers found something vaguely soft and cylindrical. He pulled it out, examined it closely, called the wind to puff the dust away and looked down at the little soul with the modestly bowed head. He thought it looked timid and somewhat gullible. He cleared his mighty throat and handed the thing to the tiny soul.

The soul of Miss Bliss looked at it in wonder. “What is it?” she asked.

“It’s a neck. What does it look like? Sheesh…” said the Almighty.

The little soul made a pouty face. “Oh. What does it do?”

“Oh for My sake… it holds your head up!” Boomed the thunder voice, making the little soul tremble. The Great Deity immediately felt compassion for it. He sighed and took the neck back into his hands and played with it, molding it into a slightly different shape. He grinned before handing it back.

“There! Go ahead… take it. You’ll find it has a certain quality that you will enjoy… eventually.” The thunder voice chuckled. The little soul of Miss Bliss smiled, even though it did not understand The Master’s good humor. Behind her, as she walked over to the “Get Ready For The Big Squeeze!” line, Thunder rolled once more as Himself said:

“Man I crack myself up.” His laughter shook the skies.

When the line ended at last and the little soul stood at the threshold flanked by two angels, she held the neck out to their waiting hands. The angels looked at each other and laughed until they snorted, waving the small soul past.


The little soul was born into a big family and quickly learned that she who talks the loudest and fastest gets heard. As a little bitty, her father often kissed the nape of her neck and tiny Bliss giggled and squealed. In no time at all she was loud and chatty. Her mother dressed her in pinafores and silly slips full of ruffles, but she was a tumble tomboy, ready to fight or wrestle. If her panties showed, who cared?

Third grade concert time. The dance number was her favorite. She held hands with the cutest boy and got to slide, slide, slide! At the end, Miss Bliss and the Toy Soldier said their solo lines and left Hatty Mae Hammet Hall greatly relieved that the show was over. Outside she began a game of tag with some of the boys. RR, who had been her dance partner, was hot on her heels. He reached out and caught her by the neck with one hand. He stopped short and looked at Bliss as if he had never seen her before… which caused Bliss to raise her eyebrows and wonder what was wrong with that boy. R R leaned over, kissed her just behind the ear and ran away.

“Eeewwww!” Bliss yelled after him. When RR moved away the following week, Bliss felt a great relief. There would be no more of that crazy neck kissing crap!


The first ever school dance, seventh grade in the gym/ auditorium of Alexander Hamilton Jr. High. Miss Bliss was dressed up for the occasion. Her first pair of low heels and a nice new dress. Her sister had spent an hour making her hair just right. For most of the evening the girls all hovered against one wall and the boys across the room on the other. Only the popular kids seemed to be dancing.

“Oh this is stupid.” Said Suz. “Let’s just go grab one and dance.” The other girls looked at each other and giggled. No one moved. Bliss scanned the faces on the other side and stopped on the face of an older RR. What was he doing here? His eyes met hers and smiled. Bliss smiled back and gave a little wave.

“Oh my gosh… is that RR?” said Suz and all the girls followed her pointing finger. RR smiled his wide, perfect smile and the girls all giggled. RR took out his comb and pulled it through his oiled hair, typical of Mexican Americans of that time. He wore a starched white shirt, Beattle boots and a pair of tight polyester pants that pulled across his crotch. Bliss blushed when she noticed that. RR crossed the room quickly and pulled Bliss onto the dance floor. They danced the last verse of I'm a Believerby the The Monkees. The next song began. Procol Harum’s "A Whiter Shade of Pale".

Bliss had never danced a slow dance with a boy before and wasn’t very clear where to put her hands, so she copied the people next to her. You could say it was sort of a staggering hug. Half way into the song, RR began to nibble and lick his way from behind her right ear down her neck. Bliss’s eyes bugged out. She looked at her friends, who now were covering their mouths, jabbing and poking and pointing. Bliss was not a whiter shade of pale. She was a brighter shade of red! When her eyes found the boys, who were making kissy faces, Bliss bolted for the girls restroom, where she set up camp until her father came to take her home.

It should be noted that Bliss’s father was never on time. Not once. Not ever. It was in fact, a guarantee that the very last car to arrive to pick up a student would be none other than Papa Bliss. Many times Bliss had refused the kind offers of other parents to allow them to give her a ride home. This time, her father held true to that axiom and for a change, Bliss was grateful to leave unobserved. When he asked how the dance had gone, she said simply “Fine”. Bliss never attended another Jr. High dance.


Tenth grade arrived with the first high school dance. Bliss’s friends begged and cajoled until she agreed to go. This time the girls and boys gathered in bunches. Bliss stood in the middle where it seemed safe. Several songs ended before an exchange student from Saudi Arabia asked Bliss if she would be willing to dance with him. Bliss sighed and agreed. Halfway through the song, the exchange student began to suck on Bliss’s neck. This was not the relatively more pleasant nibbling of RR. This was a mind blowing Hoover suck that was resulting in a big ugly hickey.

Music video by Elton John performing Your Song: Red Piano Show - Live in Las Vegas
with David Mallet [Video Director], Not Applicable [Video Producer]
(C) 2007 Mercury Records Limited

Bliss freaked out and headed for the girl’s restroom. If there was one rule that Papa Bliss had that he stood by ferociously… it was that there would be no hickeys on the necks of his daughters. He considered it mutilation, like pierced ears and tattoos. The mark of a slut! Aaaagggghhhh! Bliss looked at the hickey in the mirror. Crap! She was sure it would glow in the dark and give her away when her father finally showed up to take her home. In a panic, she turned to a friend for assistance. The friend knew exactly what to do. She left and returned with a smiling boy.

“Hi. I’m Calvin… I’m your boyfriend. I’ll walk you home.”

Calvin was actually her friend’s boyfriend. He would one day be bitten by her insane Manx cat in the middle of a meeting in her living room. It would bleed like there was no tomorrow. Calvin walked her home and she hurried past her parents and up the stairs to her room. It took a pound and a half of cover-up to keep the hickey safely hidden. Bliss gave up on school dances.


By now you are thinking what the hey? This is not the Bliss we’ve come to expect. Our Miss Bliss is not shy! But she was at this point. She did not become bold until she was 16. She did not go insane until the following year when her mother gave her permission to do so. Bliss was an obedient child.

When Bliss had indeed gone around that wide bend… she and TyeDye accompanied the Blisses to the wonderful city of Jackson, California - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. A fun loving gold rush country town. Earlier that day they had gone in search of mind altering chemicals. Not able to locate any from usual sources, they walked sadly back toward Bliss’ home past the college.

They neared an old frat house that had been converted to rooms for let. Through an open window and young man leaned out and said the magic words.

“Youwannabuyasomeacid?” Prices were quoted and a purchase was made. Note: Do not buy drugs from strangers! Better note: DO NOT BUY DRUGS… PERIOD! It could have been a fatal error. It wasn’t obviously. But it sure could have been.

The drive to Jackson was ho-hum. They wanted to wait for a better time to “drop”. They checked into the hotel and ate together in the restaurant. When the folks were not looking they tipped their little green pills into their mouths and drank them down with soda. Then the gals took a stroll down the wooden side walks through the tourist traps and gift shops. Bliss bought a candle that looked exactly like a granny smith apple. It even smelled like one.

Hotel California - Eagles. From the album Hell Freezes Over - Live Concert

Back at the hotel, they settled into chairs on the upstairs balcony off of their room. It looked down on the main street of town and the wandering lookie- loos. As the moon in their eyes began to rise with the effect of the drug, they chatted and giggled and pointed at people below. Suddenly two men climbed into their balcony. WTF? They screamed with delight! What a magic trick! It was so not possible, yet there these guys were. Where did they come from?

It did not matter. There was a bit of flirting and an invitation to go get drunk… yeah, as if they needed more insanity. But a knock on the room door and the arrival of Papa Bliss chased the young men back from whence they came in all due haste. No young turk looking for a lay wants to meet a dad. Wise boys, though Papa Bliss probably would have laughed, excused himself and gone away wishing them all a good time.

As luck would have it Papa Bliss had an alternative plan. They would all drive to near by Mokelumne Hill, California - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. There was a tavern there that he was sure would allow the girls to drink and dance despite their ages. Sure enough this was exactly the case. The foursome gathered around a table and bloody marys were served to all. A gentleman who happened to be of ethnic decent, asked Bliss to dance. Bliss, no longer so shy and nervous agreed, leaving poor tripping TyeDye alone with the Blisses. Poor TyeDye.

By now you get how this story goes. The blessing or curse on Bliss’s neck set into motion. Like his most recent predecessor, this one also decided to give hickeys. Bliss firmly held him at arm’s length and told him NO. He agreed. Then as soon as he was close to her neck, the sucking began anew. Now, when you are tripping as Bliss was, simple tasks seem way more difficult than they should be. She continued to repeat the threat to stop dancing as if it was a new idea. The “gentleman” was having none of that nonsense. He wanted to chew on Bliss. When Bliss did managed to push him off and get back to the table, her father was off getting more drinks.

Bliss told her mother and Tye Dye what had occurred and they all had a good laugh. It was funny. When her father returned, they repeated the story to him. He asked which guy it was. Bliss pointed him out. The sucker was perched at the bar between a couple of his buddies. The buddies, who were obviously more alert, saw the finger pointing and hustled their buddy out of the bar to the sidewalk… where he fell flat on his face in the gutter. His pals looked both ways, stepped over his prone body and crossed the street leaving the passed out lover boy behind. Everyone at the table burst out laughing. So much for Romeo, who was still in the gutter when they left.

Yes siree, Bliss and her blessed neck could really attract the doozies!

Back at the hotel, the reason that you should never buy drugs from someone you don’t know, manifested in the form of hellatious diarrhea. It was likely that the drug was cut with strychnine. The high was not very good either. More poison and less drug or so it seemed.

The Great One was right. Eventually Bliss decided that having an irresistible neck had its uses… with the right person(s) who were welcome to nibble. But it still made her giggle and squirm in a delighted sort of way. But dang… it took a long time and had a rocky road to get to that point. The moral to this story is : You have to wait for the blessings and accept the crap that comes before. Be patient. Be kind. Believe.


  1. is such a powerful word.

    What an adorable story!

  2. Great story. I love the songs strew throughout. I have the Neil Diamond version of "I'm a Believer" rather than the Monkees version.

    I think I'll follow the best advice, DON'T BUY DRUGS...PERIOD. Thanks for that.

  3. Superstar-- Yep. One of my favorites.

  4. AlienCG-- Thank you! I think that Neil Diamond would do a great job with that one.

    You're welcome for the warning, but it seems like you've got that one down way before Miss Bliss did.

    Hey... loving your new blog spot. Very nice.

  5. dmarks-- Its funny. I did love the Monkees when I was a kid. But the animals, monkeys... they just creep me right out. I've been attacked by them several times. I do not know why. They do not like me.

  6. Did the Almighty ever give Miss Bliss a proper waist? He never gave me one. The ass was okay, and he eventually got around to giving me nice breasts, but nice waist just never made an appearance.

  7. laughingattheslut-- No as a matter of fact and that is a sore point with Miss Bliss! The Great One choose to pull a great prank on Bliss and made the distance between the bottom of her rib cage and her hips about an inch and a half long... no time to indent. Crap!

  8. I share your views about Monkees and monkeys, although I have never been attacked by either.

    Patience is a virtue that I strive to cultivate in my life. Sometimes I fail, but I continue to try.

  9. cube-- Monkeys just hate me. I don't know anyone else who has my trouble with them. I was first attacked by a friend's squirrel monkey that went crazy. The next time I went over she assured me that it was a fluke... to try to get to know it again and as soon as she opened the cage it went after me like a demon. She was so shocked.

    Then a gibbon grabbed me at the zoo and would not let go or stop screaming. Gibbons can scream very loud@ And crazy4coens just walked off and pretended not to know the lunatic woman being groped by the monkey. I am traumatized for life!

    I am not at all good at patience. I have to learn things the hard way too. My brain is thick.

  10. OK, I've got to tell you something you didn't know when you invited me here today: I love a good neck. I mean that. Some women have very sexy necks, and some don't. Obviously, you must! And now I'm all hot and horny thinking about it. You necktease!

  11. Suldog-- You are such a rake! Did I ever tell you that I really like that about you? hahahaha... "necktease"!

    Frankly, Suldog... I'm shocked that you didn't request pictures. ;)

    Glad you stopped in.

  12. Another wonderful story. You are such a vivid storyteller. I'm weird about touching my neck, so it made me a little squeamish...But isn't that what a good story is supposed to do?

  13. Churlita-- Thanks! I love farting around with words. I love hearing and telling stories. Yeah, squeamish is good!!! A compliment to be sure. Stories are supposed to make you feel things. Yay!

  14. Superstar-- I swear to goodness that I answered your comment. I did! I did! My crazy comment machine is eating my words!

    Oh wait... I just saw it up there. Phew! Okay. I can calm down. BTW... thanks for the compliment. It is appreciated.

  15. Wow. What a great writer you are. So fantastic. Usually when I come to posts that are this long I quickly click away. I mean, who has time to read a five minute post, right? But this was too captivating to click away from. Great job!

  16. Life with Kaishon-- Welcome to Oodles of Funch. I try to only do these long post on Fridays. But I am long winded.

    Thank you so much for the lovely compliment!

    I do hope you will visit again. If you like stories, then Friday is your day. Big grin.

  17. Special thanks for the Whiter Shade of Pale...boy, I love that song. And I love the thought of everyone getting a special gift...and watching you grow to enjoy yours :-) It definitely made me stop and think about what my special gift might be.
    Thanks for the fables, Ananda.

  18. laura b.-- You are so welcome! You know, you all give me sooooo much. Sadly, this is pretty much my world. My reality is so small and tiny, not much to do in it. Here I can fly. I can use my imagination and be free. That is a marvel to me, a welcome diversion and a place to share. Those are the things that keep me alive and happy.

    So, it's me who should be thanking all of you. I write to please myself as much as anything. You are all so kind and encouraging about it.

    On top of that... HERE I can touch Boston, Michigan, California, Canada, Iowa, Ohio, England, India, Australia, Florida, Oregon... etc. I cannot afford to travel there, but by golly, I've got people there who touch me and give me their stories, their personalities and their individual gifts. I am richer for this. I am grateful. Don't thank me... thank all of you!

  19. laura b.-- I have loved Procol Harem forever. StbX hated them. hee hee. I like to play them when he's here. Oh so wicked, me.

  20. I was the first one up Saturday morning and I made some blog rounds. I came here & played the
    Procol Harem. What a blast from the past that was. Anyway, it led me to look for the Annie Lennox cover of "A Whiter Shade of Pale". I had forgotten what a trip that video was - BTW the bear suit reminded me of your slippers. Anyway, that led to watching "Love is a Stranger" which was the first glimpse I ever had of the Eurythtmics and it hooked me for life. As a result, I've been humming that song to myself all morning and I have you to thank for starting the chain of events that led to my good mood.

    BTW you're not the only one that can be long winded ;-)

  21. Love the story!

    If you had such problems with humans, probably a good idea to stay away from vampires.

    You hung out with your parents while on LSD, that would've freaked me out... I've never tried it, but I'm sure I'd have a paranoid trip on that drug, just the thought of it makes me nervous!

  22. cube-- Yay! For good moods. Glad that I could be of such service. I myself am somewhat twitterpated today and high as a kite... without the drugs. Kindred spirits abide here at Funch!

    I love, love, love the Eurythtmics! I'm going to go play some now. Thanks for the reminder.

  23. Sebastien-- If if was a DUMB idea in the 70s... I did it. But stupid then translates into fun stories now. It was not always fun and I will write about the Well of Souls and my personal call to the carpet on why you should not do drugs and how bad they can mess up your brain function. Not so fun. Very not funny.

    Well, I think those days are gone now and its safe to go out at night. Vampires actually would probably thrill me to pieces! Ha.

  24. ananda - i love the prolouge to the story - nice work! apparently, nice neck, too! also - i am with dmarks - BLAME IT ON THE MONKEES! they're good for it! love ya!

  25. crazy4coens-- Currently girl... there is no one on earth that I love more than you! No offense... but god I hope that changes soon. (There are things you just can't do for me.) But keeping me safe. Keeping me sane. Keeping me feeling loved... all are treasures you give, like you!